Giving Every Church the Tools to Stop Domestic Abuse
What to Do When You See Domestic Abuse
HOW TO RESPOND
In Every Scenario - Speak privately to the victim (as long as you can be sure the abuser doesn’t find out).
· Let the victim know you are there to listen confidentially if they want to talk.
· Believe the victim.
· Don’t tell the victim what to do.
· Point to resources (shelters, support groups, books).
· Don't suggest couples counseling or marriage books.
· Help with a safety plan.
· Contact them regularly to let them know you are there to help.
SCENARIOS
1. Witnessing Physical Violence
· POLICE – Calling the police during the violence (not after) could save the life of the victim or could provide the victim with evidence that might be useful in the future.
· VIDEO – You could video the violence as it may be useful as evidence.
· STEP IN – You could step in to protect the victim while waiting for the police to come (if you are strong enough to restrain the abuser).
2. Hearing About Physical Violence Without Witnessing it
· Don’t call the police (unless you hear sounds of violence).
· Don’t confront the abuser.
3. Witnessing Emotional Abuse
· Don’t call the police.
· If you are a friend of the abuser – call out the behavior. (e.g., “That was a bit harsh.”)
4. Hearing About Emotional Abuse Without Witnessing it
· Don’t confront the abuser.
5. If You Suspect Abuse
· Secretly hand the victim a resource card (see below), as well as your name and phone number.
6. If a church friend discloses abuse
· Don’t suggest that they tell a church leader or pastor unless the leader has been educated about the dynamics of domestic abuse.
· Don't confront the abuser unless the victim specifically asks you to.
7. If you think it is a false accusation
· 97% of victims who come forward are telling the truth. If they contradict themselves, it is because of trauma.
· Don't make it about the abuser. Your concern must be the safety of the victim.
NOTE: Helping a victim is all about their safety, physically and emotionally. There should never be church discipline for the abuser until the victim is safe.
HOW TO HELP THE VICTIM
YOUR SUPPORT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Information from Domestic Violence Resource Centre, Victoria, Australia
WORRIED ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT?
It can be deeply concerning when someone you love is being hurt or abused by their partner. This guide is designed to help you support both women and men who are experiencing abuse.
DOES YOUR SUPPORT MATTER?
Absolutely. Your response can make a real difference. When a person feels supported and believed, they’re more likely to feel empowered to make decisions about their situation. On the other hand, if they feel judged or dismissed, they may retreat further into silence and isolation.
Abuse in relationships is unfortunately common. While most abuse is perpetrated by men against women, some women are also abusive in relationships. Sadly, children often witness this abuse.
HOW TO IDENTIFY ABUSE
You might be unsure whether your friend or relative is experiencing abuse. Maybe you’ve noticed something feels off in their relationship, even if you can’t pinpoint it. Sometimes there are clear signs. Other times, the abuse may be well hidden.
WARNING SIGNS SOMEONE MAY BE EXPERIENCING ABUSE
- They appear afraid of their partner or overly anxious to please them.
- They’ve withdrawn from friends or family, or end phone calls abruptly when their partner enters the room.
- Their partner frequently criticizes or belittles them in front of others.
- They disclose that their partner pressures or forces them into sexual acts.
- Their partner controls major aspects of their life—such as finances, social connections, or decision-making.
- They often describe their partner as “jealous,” “controlling,” or having a “bad temper.”
- They seem anxious, depressed, lack confidence, or have become unusually quiet.
- They have visible injuries with unlikely explanations—bruises, sprains, cuts, or broken bones.
- Their children show fear of the partner, exhibit behavioral issues, or appear withdrawn and anxious.
- They are hesitant or unwilling to leave their children alone with the partner.
- After ending the relationship, the partner continues to call, harass, follow, or show up uninvited at their home or workplace.
SHOULD YOU GET INVOLVED?
Many people worry that getting involved might seem like “interfering” or that relationship issues are a “private matter.” But if someone is being abused and no one speaks up, that silence can be just as harmful. Your support does matter.
You might feel awkward or fear being wrong if the person you’re concerned about rejects your help. But if you approach them with kindness and without judgment, most people will appreciate your care—even if they’re not ready to open up. It’s unlikely that expressing concern will make things worse.
“My family knew I was being abused and that I felt trapped, but they didn’t say anything until I finally left. It would have helped if they had said that the behavior wasn’t okay, because I thought it was normal. If they had told me I was a good person and that they were there for me, it would have made leaving a lot easier.” —Ellie
HOW SHOULD YOU APPROACH THEM?
Approach your friend or loved one in a gentle, respectful way. Express your concern and share why you're worried. For example: "I’m concerned about you because I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really unhappy lately."
Don't be surprised if they become defensive or downplay the situation. They may feel ashamed, scared, or uncertain about how to talk about what they're experiencing. They might also worry about burdening you, or have difficulty trusting others due to the abuse.
Some people, especially men, may feel embarrassed to speak up because of harmful stereotypes about masculinity and strength. Creating a non-judgmental space is key.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?
The most helpful thing you can do is to listen without judgment, respect their choices, and support them in becoming safer and stronger.
Here are ways you can offer meaningful support:
- Listen without interrupting or judging.
- Believe what they tell you. It likely took a lot of courage to speak up. Survivors often minimize the abuse, rather than exaggerate it.
- Take the abuse seriously. Abuse—whether emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological—can cause real and lasting harm.
- Help them name the abuse and recognize how it affects them and their children, if they have any.
- Acknowledge their strength. Let them know it takes bravery to endure what they’ve gone through and to talk about it.
- Build up their confidence. Offer words of affirmation and encouragement.
- Reinforce that the abuse is not their fault. Nobody deserves to be mistreated—regardless of gender, identity, or circumstance. For example, you could say: "No one has the right to treat you like this, no matter who they are."
- Express your concern for their safety. You might say: "I’m really worried about you and what might happen to you or the kids." Then explore what steps they think could help increase their safety. (See the section "Helping to increase safety" for more.)
- Offer practical help—such as babysitting, making a meal, providing a ride, or accompanying them to court or appointments.
- Respect their decisions, even if you disagree. Support their cultural or religious values.
- Keep in touch regularly. Ongoing contact can provide emotional support and a reminder that they’re not alone.
- Share information about legal options such as Restraining Orders, if they’re interested.
- Tell them about local support services. Reassure them that calling a helpline or agency is not a commitment to leave—it’s just a step toward getting information and support.
- Continue your support even after they leave. The time after leaving can be dangerous and emotionally overwhelming. They may need help rebuilding their life and processing the trauma. Support groups or counseling may be helpful.
“What would have really helped is a friend or relative to look after the kids for a bit. I just needed time to think and sort out my feelings without the kids being around all the time.” —Soraya
QUESTIONS YOU COULD ASK AND THINGS YOU COULD SAY
These are just some examples. It’s important to speak from the heart and use your own words—only say what you truly believe.
- The way your partner is treating you is not okay.
- What can I do to support you?
- How do you think their behavior has affected you?
- How do you think their behavior is affecting your children?
- I’m really worried about what they might do to you or your children.
- What do you feel you want to do?
- What are you afraid might happen if you leave?
- What are you afraid might happen if you stay?
WHAT NOT TO DO
When talking with someone who is experiencing abuse, certain responses can shut down communication or discourage them from opening up. Survivors have shared that the following were not helpful:
- Don’t blame them for the abuse, or ask questions like “What did you do to make them act like that?” or “Why do you stay?” or “How can you still love them?” These questions suggest the abuse is their fault.
- Don’t focus on analyzing or explaining the abuser’s behavior. Instead, focus on supporting the person who is being harmed.
- Don’t criticize if they say they still love their partner or return to the relationship. Leaving an abusive situation can be a complex, drawn-out process. Your continued support matters.
- Don’t attack their partner personally. Criticize the behavior, not the person. For example:
“Your partner shouldn’t treat you that way—no one has the right to do that.”
Personal attacks may lead them to defend the abuser.
- Don’t give advice or tell them what you would do. This can make them feel even less in control. Offer information, not direction.
- Don’t pressure them to leave or make decisions for them. Support them in making their own choices. They understand their situation best.
HELPING TO INCREASE THEIR SAFETY
Whether the person is still in the relationship or has left, it’s important to consider steps that could help protect them from further harm. You could:
- Help them plan where they and their children could go in an emergency or if they choose to leave. If they need to stay at a confidential location, let them know about shelter services or safe accommodation programs.
- Agree on a safety signal—a code word or gesture they can use to let you know they need help.
- Help them plan an excuse or exit strategy in case they need to leave a dangerous situation quickly.
- Research how the police and legal system can help. Share information about protective orders or restraining orders that can keep the abusive person away. Violating a court order is a criminal offense.
- Help them pack an “escape bag” and keep it in a secure place. The bag might include cash, house/car keys, clothing, medications, ID, passports, legal documents, and important items for their children.
- If they choose to stay, they may need strategies to reduce the risk of further violence. Encourage them to call a domestic violence service for support and safety planning.
- Offer to be a witness if they pursue legal action. If you observe incidents, take notes including the date, time, and what happened—this can be useful evidence later.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU WITNESS OR HEAR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE OR THREATS
If you believe someone is in immediate physical danger, call 911 right away.
If there’s a safer time to speak with the person later, ask if they want you to involve the police in the future. Some people worry that involving law enforcement could make things worse, especially those from immigrant or historically marginalized communities that may have experienced discrimination or abuse from authorities.
You can also call a domestic violence service for guidance on how to help in such situations. But remember:
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
HOW CAN YOU RESPOND TO AN ABUSIVE PARTNER?
Be cautious. Don’t put yourself in a position where the abusive person could harm, manipulate, or intimidate you. Do not intervene directly if you witness an assault—call the police immediately.
It’s important to understand that if you approach someone about their abusive behavior, they may:
- Tell you to “mind your own business.”
- Deny the abuse or respond with, “How could you think I’d do something like that?”
- Minimize it—saying it “wasn’t that bad” or that it “only happened once.”
- Blame the other person for provoking them or claim the abuse was the other person's fault.
- Make excuses—saying they were drunk, had a bad day, “snapped,” or “lost control.”
None of these reactions mean the person is not abusive. Minimizing, denying, or blaming are common behaviors among people who use abuse. Unfortunately, unless the person being harmed discloses the abuse or you witness it yourself, it may be difficult to confirm. Even someone who appears respectable or well-liked in public can be abusive behind closed doors.
Sometimes a person who uses abuse may acknowledge their behavior but claim they don’t know how to stop. If they are open to help, they can be encouraged to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, where they can receive anonymous, confidential guidance—regardless of gender.
If the person being abusive is someone you know—a friend, coworker, or relative—you may feel caught in the middle. If you witness abusive behavior and feel safe enough to speak up, you might say something like: “You’re both my friends, but I don’t think the way you criticize and intimidate your partner is okay.”
However, if the only reason you know about the abuse is because the victim told you privately, check with them first before confronting their partner. Speaking out without their consent could increase the danger for them.
Sometimes peer-to-peer conversations—such as a man talking to another man, or a woman talking to another woman—can be effective. But the focus should not be on trying to explain, understand, or excuse the behavior. It’s more important to emphasize accountability: “This behavior needs to stop. Have you considered calling the hotline to get support in changing this?”
The goal is not to reform the person who is abusive—it’s to prioritize safety and accountability.