Information from Domestic Violence Resource Centre, Victoria, Australia
WORRIED ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT?
It can be deeply concerning when someone you love is being hurt or abused by their partner. This guide is designed to help you support both women and men who are experiencing abuse.
DOES YOUR SUPPORT MATTER?
Absolutely. Your response can make a real difference. When a person feels supported and believed, they’re more likely to feel empowered to make decisions about their situation. On the other hand, if they feel judged or dismissed, they may retreat further into silence and isolation.
Abuse in relationships is unfortunately common. While most abuse is perpetrated by men against women, some women are also abusive in relationships. Sadly, children often witness this abuse.
HOW TO IDENTIFY ABUSE
You might be unsure whether your friend or relative is experiencing abuse. Maybe you’ve noticed something feels off in their relationship, even if you can’t pinpoint it. Sometimes there are clear signs. Other times, the abuse may be well hidden.
WARNING SIGNS SOMEONE MAY BE EXPERIENCING ABUSE
SHOULD YOU GET INVOLVED?
Many people worry that getting involved might seem like “interfering” or that relationship issues are a “private matter.” But if someone is being abused and no one speaks up, that silence can be just as harmful. Your support does matter.
You might feel awkward or fear being wrong if the person you’re concerned about rejects your help. But if you approach them with kindness and without judgment, most people will appreciate your care—even if they’re not ready to open up. It’s unlikely that expressing concern will make things worse.
“My family knew I was being abused and that I felt trapped, but they didn’t say anything until I finally left. It would have helped if they had said that the behavior wasn’t okay, because I thought it was normal. If they had told me I was a good person and that they were there for me, it would have made leaving a lot easier.” —Ellie
HOW SHOULD YOU APPROACH THEM?
Approach your friend or loved one in a gentle, respectful way. Express your concern and share why you're worried. For example: "I’m concerned about you because I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really unhappy lately."
Don't be surprised if they become defensive or downplay the situation. They may feel ashamed, scared, or uncertain about how to talk about what they're experiencing. They might also worry about burdening you, or have difficulty trusting others due to the abuse.
Some people, especially men, may feel embarrassed to speak up because of harmful stereotypes about masculinity and strength. Creating a non-judgmental space is key.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?
The most helpful thing you can do is to listen without judgment, respect their choices, and support them in becoming safer and stronger.
Here are ways you can offer meaningful support:
“What would have really helped is a friend or relative to look after the kids for a bit. I just needed time to think and sort out my feelings without the kids being around all the time.” —Soraya
QUESTIONS YOU COULD ASK AND THINGS YOU COULD SAY
These are just some examples. It’s important to speak from the heart and use your own words—only say what you truly believe.
WHAT NOT TO DO
When talking with someone who is experiencing abuse, certain responses can shut down communication or discourage them from opening up. Survivors have shared that the following were not helpful:
HELPING TO INCREASE THEIR SAFETY
Whether the person is still in the relationship or has left, it’s important to consider steps that could help protect them from further harm. You could:
WHAT TO DO IF YOU WITNESS OR HEAR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE OR THREATS
If you believe someone is in immediate physical danger, call 911 right away.
If there’s a safer time to speak with the person later, ask if they want you to involve the police in the future. Some people worry that involving law enforcement could make things worse, especially those from immigrant or historically marginalized communities that may have experienced discrimination or abuse from authorities.
You can also call a domestic violence service for guidance on how to help in such situations. But remember:
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
HOW CAN YOU RESPOND TO AN ABUSIVE PARTNER?
Be cautious. Don’t put yourself in a position where the abusive person could harm, manipulate, or intimidate you. Do not intervene directly if you witness an assault—call the police immediately.
It’s important to understand that if you approach someone about their abusive behavior, they may:
None of these reactions mean the person is not abusive. Minimizing, denying, or blaming are common behaviors among people who use abuse. Unfortunately, unless the person being harmed discloses the abuse or you witness it yourself, it may be difficult to confirm. Even someone who appears respectable or well-liked in public can be abusive behind closed doors.
Sometimes a person who uses abuse may acknowledge their behavior but claim they don’t know how to stop. If they are open to help, they can be encouraged to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, where they can receive anonymous, confidential guidance—regardless of gender.
If the person being abusive is someone you know—a friend, coworker, or relative—you may feel caught in the middle. If you witness abusive behavior and feel safe enough to speak up, you might say something like: “You’re both my friends, but I don’t think the way you criticize and intimidate your partner is okay.”
However, if the only reason you know about the abuse is because the victim told you privately, check with them first before confronting their partner. Speaking out without their consent could increase the danger for them.
Sometimes peer-to-peer conversations—such as a man talking to another man, or a woman talking to another woman—can be effective. But the focus should not be on trying to explain, understand, or excuse the behavior. It’s more important to emphasize accountability: “This behavior needs to stop. Have you considered calling the hotline to get support in changing this?”
The goal is not to reform the person who is abusive—it’s to prioritize safety and accountability.